This is really beautiful. I have a mother like that as well. She is now in early stage dementia so her inability to see me is same as ever but I can no longer hold it against her because she is not herself. But she is also more herself than ever — all filters disappearing — so I just watch myself twist in the wind as she continues. Oddly clarifying. And resonates with what you say here about a certain kind of acceptance. Thank you for this moving piece!
I’ve heard this from many people - the melting away of resentment as their parents experience memory loss. I live the image of watching yourself twist in the wind. Will try to remember that the next time I feel buffeted by my mother’s bluster!
Perhaps your deeper question is the dance between loneliness and aloneness. One is a social construct and the other is a human necessity. Learning to embrace both has helped me in my journey. Hope you find that soon!
Oooh such bittersweet affirmation here! I spoke with a Close Coworker / New Friend about this same feeling last week— I mentioned how she seemed to have such a vibrant artistic community, and she responded that she doesn’t feel “committed” to the community despite having been involved for five years. I’m new to the city and she seems so established, so I was surprised. We ended up sharing very similar sentiments of “I don’t feel connected to the city but don’t feel connected to any city” and “What is an artistic community” and we came to no conclusions. It’s tragic and so beautiful we can all relate to this somehow!
I totally relate to that. It’s such a strange feeling to have friends and “community” around you but also somehow disconnected from them. But I think many if not all of us feel that way on same level, which makes me the problem is not with us but rather what we expect of “community.” It’s ok and perhaps natural to feel some alienation even as we work to build relationships.
You offer so much in these letters. Thank you for this very interesting perspective. Gonna order the Alienation book. Also, you described my mother and our relationship of silence and secrets wonderfully.
What a great text @Raksha! Thanks for this! I’ve always enjoyed my loneliness and at the same time developed my skills for communication and community. I believe that my mother actually helped me to become this kind of person, as I understood her loneliness especially after her death. I embrace you!🫂
This was a very refreshing read and a beautiful one too. It really resonated with me and Im sure I'll remember it for a long time. Thank you for your words! <3
Ohh Raksha, I love your writing. You had me in tears... My life is completely the opposite even though our takeaways are similar. I grew up in a large family surrounded by sisters, tias, cousins, abuelas, and above all, an amazing mom who's cheered me on through every moment of my life. I don't really know what loneliness feels like because my strong family unit has always been there. However, my mom had a stroke earlier this year and I now see our roles starting to inverse. I am now the one that calls her asking about her mental and physical health, encouraging her to meet folks and socialize, especially considering that her world has become much smaller due to her inability to drive. I also invite her to find beauty in books, public spaces, parks, walks, nature, exercise classes, etc. This part resonated with me: "estrangement can deepen beauty, the same way that grief heightens moments of lightness." I don't know much about estrangement but in the grief of almost losing my mom, I've found the beauty of reversing the roles and cheering her on. I am part of that group who's raising a kid while trying to care for aging parents. It's exhausting to say the least but it's the full circle of life. I am grateful to be able to reciprocate to my mom the love and care I've received.
Thank you for sharing your experience and insights. Your words inspire me to continue to magnify the beauty of small things, call my mom, and accept the new reality.
Aw Sara, I’m so glad you found meaning in this post in a roundabout way. You and your mom are lucky to have each other, through it all, and I really admire your strength and stamina. It can’t be easy to care for so many people but it seems like you know the value of such care, too, which hopefully makes it a little lighter.
Very interesting perspective. I don't ascribe to what I see as cynicism of McGown, but I do think people misunderstand what community can give them. It's not a fix for all of our problems. Often, it trades the problems of isolation for the problems of togetherness, and its promise is not a feeling of euphoric and unconditional belonging. It's more of a practice that I think makes our lives better than if we didn't do it.
I'd be interested to hear your thoughts if you ever read his book, which is more nuanced than I could capture in this post. But I agree with you that people including me misunderstand the promise of community. I think what’s interesting about McGowan's work is how he points out that community and alienation often coexist, and alienation is not something to be struggled against or “solved” by community building.
This topic, so well navigated, is overwhelmingly interesting so, for now, I'm writing to thank you for the inspiration and note my delight with the image of a "god shaped hole".
I definitely agree that estrangement helps one notice beauty. As a stranger in the town I live in, my alienation is what’s helped me appreciate all its quirks and novelties. I wonder, though, about alienation and its path to extremism. We’re told that the mass shooters and incels became that way because they felt alienated, but maybe that’s a myth? In any case, I think too much alienation can start to feel destructive whenever it morphs into anger and hatred. But I like this reminder that “unconditional belonging” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and might not even be possible!
I wonder if the path to extremism is paved not so much by alienation itself but by the idea that alienation is unnatural, negative, and must be fixed at all costs, including the destruction of society. And I assume women experience alienation as much as men yet we don’t see them taking this path as often. Perhaps because we ways have different ways of engaging with that alienation, though our strategies also focus on escaping rather than accepting it (or at least some degree of it).
This is really beautiful. I have a mother like that as well. She is now in early stage dementia so her inability to see me is same as ever but I can no longer hold it against her because she is not herself. But she is also more herself than ever — all filters disappearing — so I just watch myself twist in the wind as she continues. Oddly clarifying. And resonates with what you say here about a certain kind of acceptance. Thank you for this moving piece!
I’ve heard this from many people - the melting away of resentment as their parents experience memory loss. I live the image of watching yourself twist in the wind. Will try to remember that the next time I feel buffeted by my mother’s bluster!
Oh I needed this in a week where I feel alienated in so many ways. I am learning to be okay with it, and now you have helped. Thank you
I am so happy to hear that.
Perhaps your deeper question is the dance between loneliness and aloneness. One is a social construct and the other is a human necessity. Learning to embrace both has helped me in my journey. Hope you find that soon!
Thanks! I don’t think that’s my fundamental question but I appreciate the well wishes :)
Oooh such bittersweet affirmation here! I spoke with a Close Coworker / New Friend about this same feeling last week— I mentioned how she seemed to have such a vibrant artistic community, and she responded that she doesn’t feel “committed” to the community despite having been involved for five years. I’m new to the city and she seems so established, so I was surprised. We ended up sharing very similar sentiments of “I don’t feel connected to the city but don’t feel connected to any city” and “What is an artistic community” and we came to no conclusions. It’s tragic and so beautiful we can all relate to this somehow!
I totally relate to that. It’s such a strange feeling to have friends and “community” around you but also somehow disconnected from them. But I think many if not all of us feel that way on same level, which makes me the problem is not with us but rather what we expect of “community.” It’s ok and perhaps natural to feel some alienation even as we work to build relationships.
You offer so much in these letters. Thank you for this very interesting perspective. Gonna order the Alienation book. Also, you described my mother and our relationship of silence and secrets wonderfully.
Thank you as always for reading — I so appreciate it. And you’re certainly not alone in having a non-traditional relationship with a parent.
What a great text @Raksha! Thanks for this! I’ve always enjoyed my loneliness and at the same time developed my skills for communication and community. I believe that my mother actually helped me to become this kind of person, as I understood her loneliness especially after her death. I embrace you!🫂
I too believe alienation and community can coexist. Thanks for seeing the heart of this piece ❤️
This is so well thought out and beautifully written! Related to all of this.
Thanks friend 🧡
This was a very refreshing read and a beautiful one too. It really resonated with me and Im sure I'll remember it for a long time. Thank you for your words! <3
Oh Akshaya, thank you, that means a lot to me coming from a beautiful writer such as yourself.
Ohh Raksha, I love your writing. You had me in tears... My life is completely the opposite even though our takeaways are similar. I grew up in a large family surrounded by sisters, tias, cousins, abuelas, and above all, an amazing mom who's cheered me on through every moment of my life. I don't really know what loneliness feels like because my strong family unit has always been there. However, my mom had a stroke earlier this year and I now see our roles starting to inverse. I am now the one that calls her asking about her mental and physical health, encouraging her to meet folks and socialize, especially considering that her world has become much smaller due to her inability to drive. I also invite her to find beauty in books, public spaces, parks, walks, nature, exercise classes, etc. This part resonated with me: "estrangement can deepen beauty, the same way that grief heightens moments of lightness." I don't know much about estrangement but in the grief of almost losing my mom, I've found the beauty of reversing the roles and cheering her on. I am part of that group who's raising a kid while trying to care for aging parents. It's exhausting to say the least but it's the full circle of life. I am grateful to be able to reciprocate to my mom the love and care I've received.
Thank you for sharing your experience and insights. Your words inspire me to continue to magnify the beauty of small things, call my mom, and accept the new reality.
Aw Sara, I’m so glad you found meaning in this post in a roundabout way. You and your mom are lucky to have each other, through it all, and I really admire your strength and stamina. It can’t be easy to care for so many people but it seems like you know the value of such care, too, which hopefully makes it a little lighter.
and when it isn't ... I turn to find beauty elsewhere... books, nature, my dog... which is my main takeaway from your post.
What would we do without our canine companions!
Very interesting perspective. I don't ascribe to what I see as cynicism of McGown, but I do think people misunderstand what community can give them. It's not a fix for all of our problems. Often, it trades the problems of isolation for the problems of togetherness, and its promise is not a feeling of euphoric and unconditional belonging. It's more of a practice that I think makes our lives better than if we didn't do it.
I'd be interested to hear your thoughts if you ever read his book, which is more nuanced than I could capture in this post. But I agree with you that people including me misunderstand the promise of community. I think what’s interesting about McGowan's work is how he points out that community and alienation often coexist, and alienation is not something to be struggled against or “solved” by community building.
interesting, i haven't read the book but i think this nuance is important
It's a quick read: "Embracing Alienation"
This topic, so well navigated, is overwhelmingly interesting so, for now, I'm writing to thank you for the inspiration and note my delight with the image of a "god shaped hole".
Thank you Anne, I so appreciate you reading and engaging with this newsletter 💜
I definitely agree that estrangement helps one notice beauty. As a stranger in the town I live in, my alienation is what’s helped me appreciate all its quirks and novelties. I wonder, though, about alienation and its path to extremism. We’re told that the mass shooters and incels became that way because they felt alienated, but maybe that’s a myth? In any case, I think too much alienation can start to feel destructive whenever it morphs into anger and hatred. But I like this reminder that “unconditional belonging” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and might not even be possible!
I wonder if the path to extremism is paved not so much by alienation itself but by the idea that alienation is unnatural, negative, and must be fixed at all costs, including the destruction of society. And I assume women experience alienation as much as men yet we don’t see them taking this path as often. Perhaps because we ways have different ways of engaging with that alienation, though our strategies also focus on escaping rather than accepting it (or at least some degree of it).